Crossing the line

Its not always easy. Taking the courage to right what’s not right. And to my horror, i missed the mark entirely. How could i have misjudged a person’s thoughts by so much? What i thought would be catharsis for me turned out to be so much more. Its like you try to pull out the little weed that’s protruding from the grass and out came a big bunch of roots. The truth..was so unexpected. It smarted for a while. But it wasn’t long before i realised what i had to do. Or not do. At least it was the truth. And..i can live with the truth. It hurt real bad when you realize you’ve crossed the line of friendship and invaded others private space when all you ever thought you did was be friendly. Some people are fiercely private and to that i should respect. Yes i respect you. I’ll leave you alone too. If that’s good for you.

Thanks for the memories.

Semi-Random thoughts

Yesterday morning i read an article about how a crane operator saved the lives of many many people by swinging the boom of the crane away from NUS business school. It reminded me of the courage displayed by man. just like in the transformers movie. He could have jumped out somehow if he did not spend those last moments asking people to run and flinging the boom to somewhere of least damage. 3 people died only in the end 2 of which were on the tower crane itself. He was a brave man.

Went to Ah Mah house  and then Er Gu gave me a check for helping her buy stuff. Again she gave me extra and sealed it within an envelope. A lot of extra. Sometimes i wonder how to repay her kindness. Apparently not everyone who has been kind to you, you feel obligated to. But its the way she did it. Its not what you do, its how you do it. She’s so nice.

Gu gu said that xue zheng loves me! says i’m very nice. hHAHAHHA. Always knew i was nice. =) then again its good to be validated. Kids need to be molded and appreciated just like everyone else. He’s a nice kid who’s somewhat reserved but after reading his journal just gives me a sense that we’re quite alike actually! Aiya gu gu give him a break la. Playing games enhances creativity!

Haven been able to finish the manual. Probably gonna scan through the rest of it. Then ming said he’s going to drop ENtre minor. Wonder if neo is going to drop also. I did think of dropping too, looking at the amounts of work i had. Maybe i won’t be able to enjoy 104 like i did the other modules. But the thought of leaving it incomplete just feels wrong. And, we’ve come so far together its a waste to leave now. guess i’ll take on lighter responsibilities though i secretly hope to be doing marketing work.

Only 16 days left.

True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar; it comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring.    — Martin Luther King Jr

An uplifting day

Did a bit of running with my downloaded track and boy did i learn some stuff.
Analytical
Controller
Supporter
Promoter

I think..i’m a promoter. more of at least. Apparently its not mentioned that alot of people are a mix of more than one but other than that a very worthwhile audiobook.

Spent more time alone. gosh i love this.
If you don’t click, maybe you really don’t click. How wise. You’re so much wiser than I am in this respect.

Tried to do some rapport building with my dad.
His point of view, as always, is that money is the most solid thing to have and that the way to make sure i get a lot is to hobnob with LHL. Well..that’s not new dad.

He still thinks i think like a kid, which reflects the divergence of thinking between us. He’s of the old-school thinking while i see things very differently. Maybe he’ll get to see what i have in mind.
Anyway, the important point is that i actually bit my tongue a couple of times to maintain rapport with him with a kind of patience that’s quite unnatural given my tendencies. I must be doing something right. I’m getting it. Well seriously, SNAKE is not a new game.

Maybe its the facebook group i created.  Its a small project but hopefully it will attract the kind of people i want to meet and there can be some good sharing for everyone involved. As Tim Sanders says, we really need compassion and love cats.

Vanessa Mae rocks big time!

Its lonely here

Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

Many names one being

Secondary sch mates: Yap
Secondary sch lit teacher: Lethargic
Secondary sch friend: Dinosaur
Army section mate: Jellyman
NTU library: Delinquent

U mean i OWE 9 BUCKS???
surely there’s a much better (polite) way to inform others that they have unreturned books and fines.

Grueling run. And then..I sat…and sat..and sat somemore. Ah..its good to soak in the solitude.

Named group leader(again) of a group of people who are more focused on graduating then anything else. Suddenly i woke up and saw the differences which had been there all the time. Everyone has a best environment to work under. This was obviously not it. But we all try dont we. We’ll try to finish this in 4 hours. (god bless us) Always knew i was somehow efficient but seriously.

Strayed from the beaten path too long. I swear there hasn’t been a better way to do stuff than writing them down before doing them. Returns you a sense of control and confidence. As I always thought, brian is a worldly man. a practical do-er. Wonder if he ever heard of Sedona method at all.

Re-read the hale dwoskin article on releasing. It seems clearer now, must have been the subconscious at work. Shall try it out every once in a while now.

Done pretty much everything on the list except buying a notebook.  Once i go shopping my bank will break me thinks. Sunglass, bag, shoes, waterbottle, wallet.

The close you get to graduation the more cynical you become. Maybe working isn’t so bad after all. Can get some practical experience on how businesses are run and leech all the best practises. AHAHHAHAHA. My mentor would approve of it.

Oracle. Do i look like an IT man to you? Fact is I can if I’m really into it. After all, you did the programming in DDP. If there’s anything to take away from tertiary education, it is that you have understood there’s really nothing impossible to solve. Only how long it takes. I think I understood it long ago but have too much stuff that i’m collecting that’s not exactly helpful the way i’m keeping them. Need to find a system to organize all this knowledge. If i could sell the knowledge and bits and pieces i’ve come across, i’d be a billionaire. But obviously knowledge is not as valuable as they were nowadays. Only applied knowledge is worth its weight in gold. At work we talk about transferable skills and you jolly well understand where you’re headed.

I’m back to the point of re-evaluating where the world needs me. Every once in a while you re-invent yourself and i think some people can stay the same for some time doing what they’re doing. But at my level, there is a need to contribute in the greatest way. Gallup is appealing but profiling, consulting, marketing, entrepreneurship all sound viable. Social entre as a weekend effort?

Getting a deeper understanding of the positive viewpoint thingy. i’m sure i’ll crack it soon.

Day of reckoning

Every once in a while you get a chance to improve your relationship to your friends and loved ones when they open up to you. Sometimes we miss it. either through indolence or insensitivity. and also then…there’s when you forget someone’s birthday. Erk Hiadi kia! Can’t believe i forgot.

Quite amazed at my own resistance. Ouch. Barely after bruising myself and thinking i’ll stop for a few days, five minutes later i’m back with the same routine. clumsiness and persistence mixed into one.

Prof sounded like a frog and told me no talking and i said i’d email him the questions. Which, 10 min later i decided to drop by anyway and thanks to a good judgement call cos i don’t tink he would have replied email anyways.

Online learning architecture
FNN
Use financial trading model
incremental training

Must…get…results. urgh

Pretty good use of time today. Brian tracy says “1 min spent in planning saves 10 in execution” well not that much me thinks but close enough, close enough brian.

Days of many thoughts

Left the blog empty for quite some time since new year.
Its time to bring it back. And at a good time, since i’m embarking on a new mission

First of all, i’m finally going back to studying hard academically
Secondly, i better keep to my swim and run routine to be in time for the next biathlon.

On sat, went bbq with Hoseii people.(actually only 8 came)
Shiqi said its good to take bus alone so can do thinking and self-reflection.  ?? And i thought i was the only one who liked to do that. Din know u like to think too.

Sun went to dim sum at Xing fu Yin Cha with brother and mom. It feels strangely familiar dining with him or her. There has been some changes in the way he carries himself, but not much. Complained about some events in his life. Which is good. Because u don’t complain about things to people you’re not really close to. But then again, i may have missed the point really. Mom was happy. They have a commission system for the dim sum pushers. which makes sense.

Monday was back to school after a short drinking stint with Dad and friends. Haven drank in a while was kinda surprised i made it back home to continue playing games.

And it dawned on me that the submission for my FYP report was really really close! Despite all the words of advice to budding youngsters about goal setting and fulfilling your potential, fact was i fear too. I feared subconsciously about myself not being able to live up to expectations of both my professor and myself. Last semester was dreadful but I made it. December was entre which i enjoyed tremendously. Our mind has a tendency to make up reasons to support the way we think. forgotten the term but luckily Huiqi was available for the asking! Good to know a psychologist.

So before bashing myself up saying what a letdown i was (negative explanatory style) ,
i started to think back on the chain of events.

In january, i went to my prof early on to seek his opinion on what to do. I remembered vaguely being motivated and started playing with MATLAB. borrowed a book or 2 on neural networks which i ended up reading only a small section of. But i did work on it. And after sometime, i got distracted(if u can use the term) by career fairs and all. Well, I’m graduating and maybe looking for a job if u know wat i mean.

Well then you do a little studying here and there and then read a little. Lift a few weights, run a few rounds and hey! here comes CNY.  And then i went to find prof after CNY and then he says….”When did i ask you to do GA?” Woah. suddenly i was in a fix. He proceeded to show me what he wanted me to do and seriously, he’s talking over my head. I have no idea what he’s talking about. My first thought. I’m dead. 2nd thought. Am i going to repeat a year?

And then the bashing started coming in about how i din learn about NN prior to this and all then hey! i realised i din even know i was expected to do this. And that’s why they say “I” is the most used term. Anyway, so i think i’m not really that screwed up yet. (though close) I still have hope. I ran to borrow some books. have 21 more days. Its super duper short but if i work hard enough, hopefully i’ll get enough done for grading.

Discovered a possible new paradigm about myself: Connect better with people who I perceive to be of same status or lower as myself. And this perception is based on a number of factors primary of which is the appearance. Now before i start bashing myself, it seems to be the same for most people isn’t it? obviously if i know nothing about you, perception would be heavily reliant on how you look. (ok that wasn’t so bad)

Now the more important question: Do i want to carry with myself this trait? (apparently no since it would hinder my connectedness with people)

And the most important question: Am i really like that? I would like nothing better than to see kids going through proper education and all. I don’t look down on them. So what is all this about? There is another theory about how people tend to compare with their reference group. That seems more plausible but again, this really needs to be verified with further testing. Hypothesis testing if i may.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Its chinese new year!

Today I will

1) Get the new year goals down. Finally.
2) Improve my gambling skills. huh?

ate quite a lot of snacks and chocolate. super uncharacteristic right? well anyway be looking to shed it off later.

1) Peace and harmony in the world. Celebrate chinese new year in safety unlike in other places.

And, i received the plan from minghui. doesn’t really detail much. i guess its just in the beginning stages so much is still unsettled. ok supposing i help out that’ll be 8 people in the team. Perhaps we should work on building up UNSA as a club first before venturing out to the others. IT MUST BE DONE!

13th Day

Booth signed up quite a few people. Did some mindless chatting about each other.

Drank kopi and lunch with jun, huay, ming

1) My parents love me.

你睡了吗？

That was what he said. “oh, just to see if you’re asleep already. Just being bo liao” in direct translation. And i ended up eating supper and intoxicating myself alongside some other alcohol-guzzling uncles.

I shall dedicate this post to my dad

My dad is a rough and tumble man. As are most men his generation. He’s exceptionally tough though. Being bigger sized than most, he took a keen interest to physical training when he was younger. And in the past, sandbags were really made of sand. He was the first to really teach me about fighting before anyone else did. “Ah, just use your hands. Its enough to use your arms without being too involved with your legs” he would say. He was old school, but apparently effectively enough at it to be dominant in the kampong and outside too. He kept a company of a couple of close friends, 1 or 2 of which were from the same gang. And also many, many acquaintances. Of course he ceased contact with the gang after marriage. After all, it was the right thing to do. But still, he kept his rough edge. And i just realised that i seemed to have inherited the trait of approaching others easily from him. He makes small talk easily and also we both look really unfriendly when we don’t smile.
My dad had little education and i personally felt that in many ways, our family was a little dysfunctional with my childhood mostly spent at home with my mom while he busied himself with “investors and bookmakers”. True enough he made a good living, but like most others of the same trade, it was easy come and easy go. He did not understand the value of financial planning and we paid for that. And while he loved my brother and I, he did not show it visibly and we(or at least i) felt that my emotional growth was marginalized. Of course this is not a blaming session but it goes to show how important the head of the household is in maintaining a healthy family.My children will know their father and they will play with him as they grow up. Love, for kids is spelt T-I-M-E.

Thanks dad, for giving me the love as you know it. Even though i know you won’t get to read this, I still love you.

12th Day

Getting cluttered. Must clear out the trash.

TOday…Wonder if i should leave emilia with yihao hahahah.

1) That there is CNY!
2) To take a “break” and not feel so guilty about it. hehe

Went to collect kicking pads from Khai.
Meant to run a round with farrah but the timing was off.
She’s easy enough to chat with.  Seems to be as curious as I was!
Quite surprised she went to a Silva seminar before

My back hurts from…overexertion again?